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| Not pictured: a well structured plot. |
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| This isn't the best joke, but Sword of the Valiant isn't the best film either. |
Sword
of the Valiant starts off with a very bored and disgusted King Arthur
on the eve of some great
feast
or celebration. Before the party can begin he dresses down all of
those in attendance, including his knights, about the lack of heroics
and no great deeds done in the past years. The kingdom is in peace
and the King seems upset about this. I though the goal of being a
good ruler was to establish peace and stability but I have never been
a king, so what do I know? Maybe one day in the future when I figure
out why I have this mysterious tattoo of a crest on my right heel, I
will then face the challenges of boredom during peace time.
The
King does not have to wait long for a little something to come along
and spice up his life: Sean Connery as the Green Knight.
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| Here seen as the Hairy Knight. |
The
Green Knight challenges any of Arthur's Knights to a simple game: He
will stand still with his head lowered and allow any challenger one
swing of his own axe to attempt to cleave his head off. Afterwards,
if he is still able to do so, the Green Knight gets to take a single
swing against them. None of the knights take him up on the offer. The
King is pissed and demands someone to do this, you know, to not make
him look like a scrub in front of his people. A young man with a bad
wig named Gawain (Miles O'Keeffe) steps forward and accepts the
challenge.
Why
does the name Miles O'Keeffe sound familiar?
HE WAS ATOR: THE FIGHTING EAGLE! Ator was the film that kicked off our
Year of the Knock Off! In 2018. My worlds worlds are colliding and I
couldn't be happier.
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| He must be a Lannister because he wanted to marry his sister. #GOTBURN |
Gawaintor
takes the Green Knight's ax and delivers a mighty blow that does take
Sean Connery's head clean off . This should be the end of it, right?
Sean was a Highlander and knows that the only way to kill an immortal
is the take their head off. The Green Knight has other plans though.
The
shot of his body picking up his decapitated head and then reattaching
it was a simple cheat but I liked how they did it. For the briefest
of moments I thought that maybe I was in for a surprise gem from
Cannon, but I was soon to be let down. This is the high part of the
film and it is only 13 minutes in.
The
Green Knight, who is owed his swing, realizes that Gawain is still a
young man with no beard and has not seen the world. He decides to
show some temporary mercy and allow Gawain to live for year and to
grow his beard. He will then be back to take his swing. Gawain, not
really feeling the extended death sentence, asks if there is a way to
get around the whole 'I'm going to chop your head off in a year no
matter what' situation. The Green Knight obliges and offers him a
chance: figure out his riddle and he will be allowed to live.
The
'riddle' as follows:
Where
life is emptiness, gladness.
Where
life is darkness, fire.
Where
life is golden, sorrow.
Where
life is lost, wisdom.
- It may just be me, but I don't see how this is a riddle. It feels more like four fortune cookie messages or a shitty horoscope.
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- This bridge keeper from Monty Python and Holy Grail at least gives King Arthur and his knights a fighting chance.
-
-
- Gawain is knighted, given some armor and a helper and is sent out into the world to solve the riddle. I knew I was in trouble when the first topic discussed out on the road was how do knights in armor relieve themselves. I am so glad that mystery was solved for me.
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- The film then goes on a series of barely tethered together story beats that pad the run time:
- Gawain and partner hunt a unicorn (to eat it) that just magically poofs away.
- They find a random tent full of suddenly appearing food and drink and do not question whether it is a trap or not.
- Blowing on a horn to summon a black knight to fight for the right to enter a lost city.
- Find said lost city and Gawain immediately meets and falls in love a woman named Linet.
- Linet gives him a ring that can turn him invisible that is often forgotten about in times of action.
- He gives her the key to his armor that he used in order to take a piss (so glad that paid off).
- They fall in love but are separated by magic and 'reasons.' Sean Connery yells at Gawain via magic crystal ball and tells him he is not playing by the rules of the game. He does not tell Gawain what the game actually is or what the rules are.
- Gawain talks to some little people that are able to teleport him back to the lost city.
- He finds his love just in time for a different Kingdom of jerks to find her and take her as a bounty.
- This kingdom is ruled by Baron Fortinbras, played by John Rhys-Davies. He is always a welcome sight and the limited time he has on screen he is playing with a very large castle and what are basically toy troops.
- The Baron is aided in his day to day rulings by Gaspar, played by Peter Cushing. He is also a welcome sight and classes up what is some very stagnate dialogue.
- Gawain is captured by the Baron and rallies the other prisoners to revolt and escape.
- Gawain can't save Linet, who he believes was burned alive in her tower prison cell.
- Gawain stumbles into another kingdom, tells the front door he is a knight, and they let him in without checking his credentials.
- That king gets Gawain all cleaned up and gives him new golden armor. Also, Gawain finds out that Linet was saved by this king during the revolt and she is promised to him.... but still has the hots for Gawain. This king seems blissfully unaware of this.
- What is not on that list? FIGURING OUT THE DAMN RIDDLE. Sure, the film says that Gawain is solving the riddle as he is going along, but he doesn't really though. He lives through certain moments that are described in the riddle but that isn't same thing as SOLVING it. Isn't the point of a riddle to have an answer that you give to the riddler?
- I was waiting for that 'Oh, now I have the answer and can easily defeat The Green Knight! Moment', but it never came. The final confrontation between the two was over so fast that you can almost feel Sean Connery had a car running right outside the camera frame. There's a reason for that.
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- Sean Connery's availability was limited as he was working on Never Say Never Again so he only shows up 3 times in the film. He brings a certain energy with him and you get the feeling he is having fun in this shit storm of a film. Too bad he wasn't around for more of it. I did not look up the actual legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight to see how close the movie follows the story, so maybe there is a ton of padding there too when the Green Knight isn't around. Like whole chapters devoted to how knights urinate properly, possibly.
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- It is also worth noting that Sword of the Valiant was distributed by MGM as part of the partnership they had worked out with Cannon in the early 80's. Pretty much all of the films that were a part of that deal, except for the first Breakin' film, were financial failures for MGM. Their reputation in the industry was not that strong at that time, thus why they thought partnering up with Cannon and their low cost churn and burn production schedule would perk up their numbers. Sword of the Valiant may not have been the straw that broke MGM's back, but it sure but a lot more weight on it.
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- What works for Sword of the Valiant? The visuals are okay. The effects feel like lower tier Krull style and I can forgive that due to the budget. The Sean Connery beheading actually kind of works still, so again, credit to that. Multiple locations are used and each castle did look different, so that is a plus. There are plenty of larger scale battles and fights that go on, that again at the time, do look pretty okay. You could follow the story through the fights for the most part and that is important. The armor of the Green Knight, the Black Knight, and the red and silver armor of Baron Fortinbras's men looked good. So some of the little money spent on this film is clearly seen onscreen. The performances of Sean Connery, John Rhys-Davies, and Peter Cushing were welcome.
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- What does not work for Sword of the Valiant? The story just wanders from scene to scene. This is supposed to be Gawain's hero's journey and he just kind of exists in it all. You never get a sense of growth or a character arc. He falls in love with Linet within minutes of meeting her. Linet herself is just an object that has no agency of her own that is used to be put into danger when the story needs it. Miles O'Keeffe may be a handsome man (in a terrible wig), but he has no charisma or charm that makes you care about him or his journey. The same can be said of the actress playing Linet, Cyrielle Clair, but to fair she was given nothing to do. You just don't buy that they are in love.
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- The other thing that does not work for Sword of the Valiant? The score.
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| I mean, he's not wearing a bunch of periods for a reason. |
This same theme
is played over and over again. It almost sounds like a parody of
fantasy music you would hear in a comedy as opposed to what is
supposed to be a fantasy adventure. The synthesizer score is just the
wrong call for this film.
Sword of the
Valiant is not the worst film I have ever seen and not the worst one
watched so far for the Year of Cannon (I'm looking at you, New Year's
Evil), but it commits the sin of being boring and loose. Had this
film stayed just as weird as it did at the start with Sean Connery
putting his on head back on, then this could have been a guilty
pleasure. But once Sword of the Valiant lost its head, it lost its
weird heart also and that is a shame.
- Want silly fantasy that makes just as much sense as this and has Miles O'Keeffe being a lot more fun to watch? Go find Ator: the Fighting Eagle.
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Parting Cannon Shots
Is this better or worse than The Apple?
It is worse. Weird to say, the music in
The Apple is much better. Also, The Apple never stops being weird,
which is always more interesting.
The Menahem Index: 25%
It looks like they overpaid for known
actors to try and goose the box office, and that feels like something
Menahem Golan would do. Also, the Green Knight's axe made weird
swooshing noises any time it was swung and that feels like a Cannon
staple at this point.
Would I recommend this film to anyone?
Nope. Just the first 13 minutes. Maybe
if MST3K or the Riff Trax guys get to it, then I would tell people to
give it watch. At least the professionals in riffing would make a
silk purse out of this sow's ear.
