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| Is it just me or does this look like the shitiest box of breakfast ceral ever? |
I don't believe in psychic powers or any ability to predict the future, however, I did have a sense of unease as I looked towards this installment of the blog. I wanted to pick different Cannon produced, or in this case just distributed, films in order to try and get a better idea of what they wanted to put their brand on. Turns out, they would put their brand on anything if they believe it would even potentially make them any money at all. After starting off the year with a very misguided but still entertaining musical in The Apple, and then watching a very terrible tone deaf slasher film with rock music in it with New Year's Evil, I knew Hard Rock Zombies was going to be mishmash of whatever the filmmakers could jam together in order to get a finished film. Zombies + Rock + Comedy = At least a return on investment, right? When you have a cook with no taste buds, no idea how to measure and parse out ingredients, and with no knowledge of how to even remotely work an oven or stove top, you know you the odds of getting something remotely edible, let alone delicious, are next to none. I was not looking forward to setting down at this table. I knew that I would have to choke down the entire meal because that is the commitment I made. More often than not, these kind of weird off the beaten path low budget films can have some morsel of goodness, earnestness, or fun in it. A brief hint of what the flavor was supposed to be. Hard Rock Zombies is not that meal. Hard Rock Zombies is the equivalent of knowing you are giving yourself food poisoning while you are actively trying to clean your plate.
Here is where I would normally link to the wikipedia page and imdb.com pages for the production, but both just list the cast, and just one piece of trivia that is actually very pertinent to this post:
'Originally, this was only meant to be about 20 minutes long and solely used as the feature movie in American Drive-In (1985). At some point during production, the decision was made to invest a little bit more money and come out with two full length feature films instead of just one.'
Ooof. 20 minutes stretched into almost an 1 hour and 40 minutes. I do question that trivia's validity though. I don't see where there other 19 minutes of story would have come from.
For a film that is trying to be a gory comedy that has surprise werewolves, secret Hitlers, and somewhat passable 80's glam rock, you would think I would be more forgiving of it. Nothing about this was enjoyable to me. The jokes were as obvious and heavy handed as you expect, the gore was either super cartoony or very explicit (there was no real in between here, which is just weird), and the film just kind of keeps adding scenes because it needed to hit feature length (see above).
So, to some up my thoughts on Hard Rock Zombies:
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| In case I wasn't be clear enough. |
So, instead of me struggling for the next few paragraphs trying to find any gold in them thar hills, I decided that I am going to present to you in no particular order, some moments from TV shows and movies that are comedic and involve music. Some are intentionally funny, some are not. I feel like I need to laugh and enjoy life again after having sat through Hard Rock Zombies and hope to make your day a little brighter as well.
Saturday Night Live: The Devil Can't Write No Love Song
This piece never fails to make me laugh. Garth Brooks is very game and Will Ferrell just goes for it, as he usually does (your mileage may vary) and his ability or inability to come up with a song that is worthy of selling your soul for is worth the watch. FRED'S SLACKS IS A WINNER.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The High School Reunion Dance
The Gang decides they are going to show the old classmates at their high school class reunion that they aren't losers. They do this with a choreographed dance number to George Michael's Freedom. They believe they are killing it, however the audience sees it differently.
Hot Rod: You're The Voice
Hot Rod is a love letter to all the 80's sports adjacent underdog films. Here Rod and company are getting ready for the big day and the whole town is being inspired by them. The montage goes from being somewhat grounded in reality (oil dousing on Andy Samberg aside) to a full on riot. It escalates so quickly that it is a sight to behold.
Rad: Send Me an Angel
Hot Rod owes a lot to Rad. Where Hot Rod is wearing its heart on its sleeve while poking fun at these kind of films, Rad was one of those films. This film about competitive dirt track BMX racing is like the Karate Kid, but with bikes. Here, the main character heads out onto a dance floor to do sweet tricks to impress a young pre-criminal Lori Loughlin (that we were aware of, she may have been a young hobo murderer back then, we don't know) who is a professional rider. I am disappointed my prom did not end up this way.
Voyage of the the Rock Aliens: Nature of the Beast
Voyage of the Rock Aliens is similar to Hard Rock Zombies in the sense that it is a mash up of music video vignettes with a loosely fitting comedic plot surrounding it. It isn't a great film but it is a hell of a lot of more fun that Hard Rock Zombies. What you are seeing here is part of the film and not a standalone video. The song is good in a bad way and you gotta respect that chubby cougar. Why does it live in a high school locker, though? #CHUBBYCOUGAR #CHONKYBOI
Parting Cannon Shots
Is this better or worse than The Apple?
The Apple is better. Most everything is better than Hard Rock Zombies. I would even say New Year's Evil has a little bit more going for it than this film. I never thought I would type that sentence.
The Menahem Index: 10%
Had Golan and Globus had a hand in producing it, I would go much higher, however, I have the very distinct feeling they just heard about the premise of this in passing and worked out a deal for distribution. It does reek of something they would throw just enough money at to get made.
Would I recommend this film to anyone?
Yeah, to my enemies and to all secret Hitlers.
Bonus?
If you want to actually watch this trainwreck, it is up in its entirety on YouTube. Weirdly enough, who ever uploaded was able to get ad breaks inserted into it. The ads were more interesting than the film.
